for the first time in a very long time

....for the first time in a very long time, I started to think about what I really want to do and where I really want to be in my thirties... According to my belief; thirties are the last few chances for life time chancings... I will be 29 in a couple of months and it excites me very much... Honestly it is not only exciting. It scares the hell out of me as well! I was 24 when I first moved back to Turkey and started my brand new life. I remember telling myself that I will be living somewhere else in the world other than Istanbul if I don't start a family at the age of 30. Obviously it is not gonna happen in one year. As a surprise actually, it turns out that I dont want it to happen... I'm almost 30 but I don't want a family right now.. And I really have no idea if I ever never want to get in to this complicated thing! I love guys, i adore kids but I am truely not ready to be some guy's wife or some baby's mom! I'm supposed to be ready for all this marriage thing and "not being a single woman anymore" idea! But nope! I'm not even close... So in this case I can't help but wonder; Could I leave everything I have behind and move somewhere else? And start a new life? Go with the flow?

Again for the first time in a very long time my heart dropped, almost stopped beating over seeing a guy.. I was younger then... I thought everytime I meet with a guy that I like,  I will feel the same feeling.  But nope! It hasn't come back that strong again... And I'm afraid if it never comes back! After having this possibility, it turns out it's not "I'm not ready" its just "I'm not done with those feelings yet"! I'm craving for how I felt for him.. I'm craving for him and our incompleted story?

.....for the first time in a very long time, I have no plans what so ever! I'm looking forward to hear what is written on my paper..  And I'm runnig to 30.. Peace!

the y.a.s.e.